Forecast II
June 23rd, 2022hi!! so this is gonna be a relatively short blog post. i have a rent inspection that i have to clean for. but it's been a while since i updated the site AND my blog and i wanted to share what i've been up to and what my plans are at the moment!
as far as what i've been up to: working, most days. my job is super physical so i've been pretty much exhausted the past few weeks, but i feel like i'm starting to finally get the hang of things now and i've definitely gotten stronger. i'm really liking it and i hope i keep enjoying it. everyone i work with is pretty chill, and we're allowed to drink water whenever we need to. a veritable paradise!
now, down to business: part of why i haven't been working on the webhole much is because i've not been sure what i actually wanna do with it, plus with my schedule changing so significantly i have a lot less time on my hands. it's been kind of good to take a break though, because it's given me time to think about and discuss what i wanna do next! here's my unofficial to-do list:
make a sitemap. this one's probably my first priority. it's kind of hard to get around my site if you're not the sort of person who likes just clicking random stuff. which brings me to my next item...
provide a start point for site exploration. my friend let me know that they love my site but haven't gone through it yet because they're overwhelmed and don't know where to start. we talked about it for a while and they suggested that i provide two choices to keep it simple and give people somewhere to begin looking through my site, which i really like!
work on general flow. i'll prob just make a bunch of little fixes and changes until i'm happy with how the site flows.
i'd love to get all of this done within the next month! i'll do my best anyway. i'm certain there's more stuff i've forgotten to put here, but i gotta leave some surprises.
Am I A Man?
June 12th, 2022gender is something that's a constant source of fascination and rumination for me, both as a concept and as applied to myself. there's not really a moment that goes by where i'm not, in some way, consciously thinking about my gender - typically my performance of it.
am i a man?
that's what's been on my mind recently. i have no doubt about myself: i'm a man because i say i am. that's not something i'm worried about at all. what i'm really asking is: what makes a man?
i'll be honest. i've taken my title and this concept from a video by chris fleming that shares the same title. it's extremely funny and i highly recommend watching it. but it also reflects my genuine personal feelings on manhood and masculinity as concepts, and i've been watching it once a week or so because lately, i've been thinking a lot more about this stuff.
for a long time - but especially since i started T again about a year ago - i've tried to pass as a cis man as much as possible when i'm out in public. i put a lot of work into it. i walk different, i lower my voice and speak in monotone, i bind my chest, i keep my beard unshaven and visible. i've always felt that this would keep me safe, prevent me from being attacked for not performing the right gender in the right way.
then i got a haircut at a barbershop and my hairdresser spoke to me as though i was a fellow cis man, and literally all of that fell the fuck apart.
i won't get into it because it sucked a lot of ass. he effectively just went through a laundry list of deeply inappropriate and extremely offensive jokes, all taken from a comedian he for some reason started talking about. when i called him out on it and said that shit isn't okay, he assumed i meant that i was on his side, and started complaining about how it's the SJWs' fault. (out loud! in real life! can you imagine!!!)
he thought i was cis. and i was sitting in that chair and all i could think about was how fucking unsafe and afraid i felt, how if i breathed wrong, spoke wrong, fucked up my performance in ANY way, he would realize that i wasn't his ally.
and afterward, i realized that meant he would stop feeling safe to say that fucked up shit to me.
how much of my gender expression have i carefully crafted to preserve the feelings of cis people who already hate my fucking guts no matter what i do?
even if i perform correctly. even if they see me as a cis man. if someone hates trans people, they hate me whether they know i'm trans or not. the dude straight up made a transphobic joke, not realizing it was at my expense. he said that because he sees trans people as a punchline, not something that a human being could be. or if they are human beings, they're weird, perverted, entitled, mentally ill, whatever.
why the FUCK should i give a shit how someone like that feels about me?
the moment i got out of that hairdresser, all i could think was: i need to look more trans. i never, ever fucking want anyone to talk to me like that again. i hate that he felt comfortable, felt GOOD, saying all that nasty shit to me unprompted. my skin was crawling the whole time. i've been fucking chased down and hurled slurs at and harassed and discriminated against and denied medical treatment for being trans for years, and i have genuinely never felt as deeply unsafe as a trans person as i did while getting that fucking haircut.
i don't want anyone to ever mistake me for a cis man ever again. and at this point, i'm actively trying to make sure they don't.
but that brings me circling back to what's been on my mind for weeks now: what is a man?
that hairdresser saw me as another man. that was why he said all that stuff. this is how he defines a man: someone that he can trust to say bigoted, horrible things to, as long as they're jokes, and face no repercussions - and be able to completely twist it around into a fucking compliment or something when he did face repercussions.
what's a man to me? i believe strongly that every single person defines their own gender entirely. but to be a man is to belong to a group of people with implied shared traits and experiences. what are those traits? what are those experiences? by being a man of my own volition, am i having the experiences of A Man? do i have the traits of one? what defines a man?
in a general societal sense, what i understand is that if i have a beard, a flat chest, a low voice, am quiet, don't wear anything too bright or flowy or tight, and walk a certain way, they will see me as a man. these are the signals that i also choose to put out, knowing this, because i do want them to read those signals and understand that i'm A Man, in that "typical" sense.
but those signals are for everyone else. it's like a sign i wear, a costume. it's easier for me if you can at least vaguely assume that i'm A Man, because i do not have the time or energy to explain to everyone that i'm not A Man, i'm just a man.
i've always tried to look like and act like A Man in public and even around family and friends, but honestly, i've totally fucking given up. i don't want to waste my energy. i'm not A Man and i never want to be! i don't want to fit into what a horrifying culture defines as the "correct" way to be a man! what a horrible way to torture myself when i don't feel that way and don't want to perform that!
i'm a man because i say i am. at work, everyone just treats me pretty normally, even though i'm very obviously an effeminate gay man and i'm not really hiding the fact that i'm trans at all. no matter what i do, i'm a man. i've been A Man before, too, before this hairdresser incident.
but never again after. if that's what A Man is, then i'm not that and i never will be.
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NOTE: these are not my entire thoughts on gender, masculinity, etc etc. this blog post is specifically about my personal feelings and experiences based on a very specific incident and don't reflect all of my feelings about everyone or everything on earth. it's complicated!
Three Years!
June 9th, 2022it's the morning of june 9th, and it's dark outside. rain is pouring down and i'm watching through the window as the trees sway in the wind. my room is lit by my heavy steel/lapis lazuli lamp, and i'm sitting in my bed on some pillows, wrapped up in my two blankets. and i'm wearing the coat my husband roman wore when i saw him for the very first time at the albuquerque airport. it's the warmest thing i own. i love it to pieces.
it's our three-year-anniversary today! and yesterday, too! our time zones are so far apart that most of the time we're experiencing a completely different day from each other. just how it is, living in australia and having loved ones across the world from you. so today i'm gonna talk about how much i love roman, and what it's been like to have him in my life.
roman and i had a lot of near misses before we actually met and became friends online. we were both in the steam powered giraffe fandom in the very early days of tumblr at the same time. we actually followed each other on twitter for a split second several years ago before i impulse-deleted my account hours later, something i did a lot back then. we'd been in each others' orbits through having consistent overlapping friends for years, but for whatever reason, we only ended up following each other on twitter and interacting in 2018.
the first time i saw a picture of roman, i thought he was so handsome! he's got pretty hair, his face shape is so lovely, he's got a really cute smile, he's just gorgeous all-round. i'm a little standoffish when making new friends or meeting new people, so it was still a little while before we talked one-on-one, but eventually we DM'd about some personal issue we both shared... then at some point after that, we started talking on discord. and our conversations quickly became an everyday occurence! roman very quickly became a part of my life that was very important to me, a beloved friend that i couldn't imagine going a day without having a conversation with. i also pretty quickly got a huge crush on him, but i'd just experienced an INCREDIBLY messy break-up and wasn't ready to date again. so i was happy just talking to him, having my crush, and enjoying my time with him.
we did flirt. a lot. in retrospect, it is actually kind of insane that it took me so long to figure out that he also had a crush on me. but for quite a while, neither of us really wanted to have a romantic relationship. we had a discussion once, where we talked about our personal feelings about dating - hypothetically, were either of us ready to date someone? completely hypothetical, of course. nothing going on here. we both shared the feeling of liking the idea of dating and being interested in it, but not being ready for that kind of commitment and lifestyle change yet.
so we kept talking, kept being sweet on each other and flirting and just being silly. on his birthday in 2019, roman and i called for the first time and he showed me how to play second life! it's now a shared hobby of ours. it was extremely fun, and from that point onward we started calling and hanging out that way a lot more. and over time, both of our feelings grew until finally, roman asked me out while we played minecraft together!!! i was so nervous and excited the whole time that i just dug up a ton of holes and grass. he sung to me. those songs are still so special to me.
in march of 2020, for roman's birthday, i went and visited. a few days after i got there, the borders back to australia were locked down completely. so, i ended up spending the next four months living with roman, all the way up until early july. because of everything going on at the time, there was a huge amount of extremely stressful shit happening. outside of that, we were also experiencing a lot of extremely distressing personal stuff. being able to lean on each other throughout all of this was huge, and we live together exceptionally well! i still miss how well we worked together in an apartment so much.
there were a lot of fun times, too! before lockdown we went to a huge thrift shop and got some stuff, and the person working the counter gave me some of my stuff for free after finding out i'm australian (my power...). we also went to golden corral and i had hush puppies for the first time and i'm STILL thinking about them. we set up roman's wii and he hacked it and we played a ton of games on there! it was also just so wonderful and fun to spend time with him, sitting next to him on the sofa and cooking our meals together and watching movies and laying in his lap or cuddling him in bed.
we were both incredibly lucky to have the opportunity to be with each other. and since we had that opportunity... it's with me for the rest of my life. if i've kissed him once, i've kissed him for the rest of my life. i'll carry the weight of him in my arms forever. even when we're living together again. he's with me all the time.
coming home in july was really, really hard on both of us. roman was meant to move back to australia with me, but obviously, those plans had to be put on hold. i specifically really struggled with being apart from him - my BPD was completely out of control, and it led to me finally getting help for it so that i wasn't behaving like such an ass all the time. roman was such an incredible, steadfast support through this time, even when i was the worst version of myself, and too sick to understand what was going on around me and that i was hurting people and hurting myself. i'm so grateful to him for loving me still, for being insanely patient, and for kicking my ass into gear and making me get help. (i'm the kind of person who kind of needs to get a kick up the bum sometimes from people who care about me. sometimes it's the only thing that translates. bullheaded problems...)
over time, over years of loving each other and learning each other and communicating better and better... i think i only love roman more as every day goes by. and i think that roman feels the same way about me, too. i trust how much he loves me, and we know each other better than anyone else, in our own special way. it's so exciting!!! and i'm so lucky. i love someone who is so interesting and cool and smart and talented and who shares my thoughts on the things i find really important, and we challenge each other on things in a way that helps us both learn and understand each other better, and i literally cannot wait to have a dog with him and just spend time with him when he gets here - and i can't wait to talk to him whenever he next messages me, i can't wait til tomorrow when we'll have whatever conversation we have, i'm so excited to love him every single day!!!
it's wild that it's been three years since roman went to abq pride in some little gay shorts and asked me out after. i'm so happy i've had this time with such a beautiful person and i'm so excited to see what happens next!!!
that's all i have to say for now. tonight we're gonna have a dinner date and eat some chicken together while calling and watching movies. i'm so happy to love him. three YEARS!!!!!!!!!!
to close this out, here are some funny little gifs that make me think of him, or of us both!
Reflections III
June 5th, 2022so holy shit, i have a job and i don't even want to climb in a meat grinder about it.
i started work on tuesday, technically, but that shift was just an induction. i was pretty nervous that it'd turn out to be a really horrible workplace like my last few - hospitality has been an endless nightmare for me - but the induction went well. really well. it was just... normal. chill. i got the feeling that everyone working there was there to do their jobs and then not think about them whatsoever when they got home. i like that kinda style.
my first shift was the next day, and it went as well as it could've. up until then i still wasn't really sure what i'd be doing all day. but i got buddied up with a guy who'd been working there quite a while, and he showed me how to do a bunch of stuff. my coworkers and supervisors have all been completely normal people, which is insane. when i got out of my first shift, one of the biggest exciting things for me was that nobody was screaming their head off at anyone and we could drink water whenever we wanted.
so i work in a warehouse - big chain bulk grocery store. it's my first job of this kind. i've only ever worked hellish hospitality jobs up until this point, but i had just enough back end operations experience from my previous job in events that i scraped through into the merch team instead of being pushed to front end and having to cashier all day. it's part time! which is HUGE for me. in australia, we have something called casual workers, which is what i've always been - you get slightly higher pay, but no guaranteed hours and no sick/holiday pay. with this job, i'm contracted to 24 hours minimum per week! i'm so excited about it, my first goal is getting top surgery ASAP.
the work itself is pretty physical. we start with loading all our stock into the shelves, shifting and re-wrapping pallets as needed. then we move onto facing up, making everything look neat and tidy. in between this, we have to keep on top of our cardboard and plastic garbage and take it to box/plastic crushers every so often. it doesn't sound like much, but it's hard on your body if you're like me and have only started going to the gym very recently! all of my muscles hurt. especially my ass muscles. i'm squatting so damn much all the time.
my right wrist also hurts, but that's not necessarily because of work. i bought a scooter a couple weeks ago and it finally arrived on friday, so i decided i'd ride it to work for the first time saturday morning, since i was starting just after 4am. i'd been walking to and from work before that - it's only about 20, 25 minutes maybe - but i gotta say it's nice not having to walk all that way after working hard all morning. so, taking my scooter on saturday morning, i was pretty happy with well i was riding. then i got to my work's driveway and completely ate shit over a speed bump. i landed on my hands and knees and my right wrist took a lot of the fall. i was completely fine other than a few scratches, but... eh. right wrist is a little swollen and sore. BUT! tomorrow is my day off, so i'll be resting it plenty.
other than work, i've just been planning stuff for this site. i've got an idea for the record store - i'd like to have different records that i animate, maybe so that when you hover your mouse over them, they spin? idk, it might be fun. i also want to put up more stuff about my lops. all in good time.
tomorrow... chores. a lot of em. my room is a MESS. until i get a bit stronger and can come home from work without groaning and creaking like an old man, i might be a bit messier than usual. i'm also hanging out with a couple of my friends tomorrow to watch a hatsune miku concert! i'm not really into vocaloids, but i've heard miku concerts are really cool and i wanna hang out w my friends, so i'm excited for that!
oh, i patted a DOG today... his name was parker and he'd JUST had a bath. when i got home, my friends' cat was quite upset with my hand for having dog smell on it, but when i gave him the other hand to smell he calmed down. my friends' cat is also very afraid of my scooter helmet. i think he's convinced it's an actual part of my head that i'm taking off. he's very blind and not that clever.
signing off. my bedtime's getting earlier because of my super early starts. all this walking and riding in pitch black darkness is making my nervousness about travelling by night wear off even more. gettin' BRAVE now. watch out, owls and other night creatures... i'm about to join your ranks!
Reflections II
June 1st, 2022NOTE: Posted on 2/06/2022.
happy june, happy makuru, happy winter! it's getting cold here. we might be headed into triple-blanket territory.
i had my first shift at my new job today. i've been mentally preparing myself for it to be mentally and emotionally gruelling for Weeks, but... it was really good. like, completely chill. my manager told me we were a little understaffed so we'd be pretty busy, and what followed was the most relaxed, organized, safest work shift i've ever done in my life. i'm actually excited to get back to it. i have stuff i wanna challenge myself for. it's only been one day, so i may change my opinion later, but it honestly just looks like a genuinely decent workplace. that said... i'm gonna be mad if they don't pay me tomorrow.
my shifts are all in the early morning, so i walk to work, since i can't drive and i live close by. it's about 20 minutes to get there, maybe a little longer. right now, i'm really into it. i love waking up so early, i love that today i got to start my day so early and can finish it early too. i love having something to do.
something i've been thinking about: isn't music such a beautiful form of communication? it's such an incredible language. i love that i can read and write it, i love that i can hear it and sing or play it back. i love that music is a journey shared between you and an entity of noise, a gathering of sounds.
(sorry about all the collective nouns and running sentences and weird thoughts about language. i've been reading area x. vandermeer got me again.)
after work today, i called my beautiful husband, and we hung out and did stretches and then made dumb faces at each other and just chatted and hung out for a while... he had a really yummy recipe for a chicken, bacon and ranch pasta bake, which you can find here if you're interested! i was sooo jealous and so i'll probably make mac and cheese for myself soon.
i'm gonna miss my friends' cats (my nephews) when we all move... :( i like being able to talk to my loved ones whenever i want to and share a space with them. but i'm also ready to live on my own, i think. i'm ready to take some shit on! slowly but surely crawling out of this years-long depression is showing itself. i'm doing my best, and now i'm in a place where i can push that best to something more if i feel so inclined. it's nice.
oh, also, i'll be throwing info sheets about all the lop species up either here or some other spot, maybe the library, for anyone to read! they're just my slightly updated personal notes from a few years ago. hoping to do that by tonight, but not sure if i'll get to it yet, and wanted to post a blog first.
loving not using tumblr as much. i really like neocities. i like exploring and being online as an activity, not just scrolling!
i wanna make shorter status updates though, so i'm thinking of making a chatbox for the front page. might be a fun way to just Say Stuff, and people can interact if they want! i don't plan on being a huge website lol so i doubt anyone but friends will reply to anything.
i better get to making that food. everyone cast a spell to ensure that i get $250 tomorrow and can buy a treat.